Maybe One Day

So I sat down and thought for a while and since I have new insurance and all I've decided, without DH's help, that I am just going to go see my OB and ask to be put on BCP. DH and I haven't really had a deep discussion and I didn't feel like I needed one since I vented on here last week, but I feel the best solution is to start from scratch and get myself ovulating with the help of BCP. After 6 months or so I will see how I feel, and see what the Dr. has to say at my appt. and then I'll for sure know what to do. I've had 2 serious boyfriends in the past and it kills me to say that BOTH of them are going to be fathers now. They both have girlfriends they knocked up, which adds salt in my wounds about feeling like I'm "broken". Its like there were soooo many chances with either one of them for me to accidently get pregnant and it just never, ever happened. 2 years with one and 31/2 with the other and nope nothing. And to top it all off their girlfriends, not wives, are giving those two irresponsible idiots what I've always dreamed of. I did the right things that whole time, abided by the law, prayed at night, used my manners, respected my elders, didn't do drugs, or never became an alcholic and I have a hard time understanding why after all they've done wrong, they get what I want most. I know I know someday my time will come, at least I sure hope so, but as I learned as a child- sometimes life isn't fair. You'd think maybe karma would bite these two in the a** at some point because Lord if they didn't give me a hard time when I dated them. So come on karma, show me you exist!

Baby Steps?

So my husband (of 4 days now..lol) and I have discussed some of the basic how's, what's, when's of this babymaking journey and I know now that until we have our own house that there is no way we can have a baby...or can we? I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, PCOS, at the age of 16. It's been hard dealing with the fact that I could NEVER hold my own baby in my arms. I've been on Metformin and BCP to regulate everything but as I've sat here reading blogs for hours today, I think I've freaked myself out. I mean I'm 25 - DH is 30 and we're just starting our lives together but there are people who have been trying for more than 10 years for a baby. 10 YEARS. The thought of that scares me. I was reading a blog about a woman who is 42 and a half and still cannot get pregnant. The emotional and physical strain of that would have me in such a deep depression I, personally, wouldn't know what to do. I'm still learning about the things out there you can do and some I hope I never have to encounter but I am just lost at where to start. When I go have my first yearly, after being a married woman, do I tell them I want to start preparing my body and mind for what is about to come? Or do I take my DH's advice and we wait until we have a house? Will I regret waiting, at our ages isnt it prime time to start trying in case it takes years?

I know personally I cannot get pregnant on my own. I have tried with previous serious boyfriends, which now I am thankful didn't happen. And DH and I tried last year on our own a little so I would have time to have the baby before the wedding. I just know this is going to be so hard for me and I hate that everything in life has to be so hard....

So that takes me into my next problem. I am currently out of "commission" because I have 3 herniated discs. It's been this way for 2 years now. I've had 2 surgeries that havent even begun to help, but in my opinion made things worse. It's forced me to quit my job because I am no longer able to stand or perform simple tasks anymore. I have put off going to the doctor because of no insurance, until now, but also because they want me on meds such as high doses of vicodin, muscle relaxers, and morphine for chronic pain. Everyday I wake up thinking, will this pain ever end? Will I ever be "normal" again? The chronic pain takes away from my ability to have hope that I will ever have a baby. I mean if I can't take care of myself, then how can I care for a baby? Is God telling me I don't deserve a baby, or even a normal life?

Poor me, poor me..right? I'm the first to admit that someone out there probably has it worse, but everyone is entitled to their own poor me poor me moments. And this is mine. I don't know if anyone will actually read this or not but it felt good to get it out there.