3 years....

It's been 3 years since we began trying for a baby this month. Even though I wasn't naive, innocent, and one of those "Oh we just have to pull the goalie" people I still have been through a lot. I knew what to expect, what to do, who to call, what to try, what not to try, but I never could have predicted the emotional hell I've been through. The crying, the helplessness, the jealousy, the waiting, and the hope. Oh the hope. It's the reason I put myself through it all for 3 years. This infertility almost ruined my marriage more than once now and I've fought really really hard not to let that happen. Right now I am back on birth control until at least March 2011. I'm now solely working on me. My goal is to lose 30 lbs by March. My brother and best friend are getting married March 19 and I go back for a 6 month check up March 22 at my ob/gyn. I want to lose weight for many reasons...the wedding, to help my back issues, and most of all to try and see if I can get pregnant on my own. The night I took my first BC pill I went crazy a little. Because that little pill takes away all my hope. There will be no "accidents", there is no maybe my body won't betray me this month and it will happen. It's been a lot harder on me than I thought but I know come April when my best friend AND her sister start trying for a baby I will want to be ready to start too. I may even try seeing an RE.

Overeaters Anonymous

So I've pretty much figured out that I'm addicted to food. No matter how much I try to eat right, I always end up craving bad things. Usually carbs. PCOS causes monster cravings and I seem to have no self-control over them. I'm thinking of joining OA, WW, Jenny Craig, or even trying an appetite suppressor called Slentiva. I know I have to do something because even though I've started exercising more, there is no way I can lose weight if I keep over eating or giving into my food cravings.

Today is my last day off before I go full time at my job. I am very very nervous for the fact that I'm not sure my back will be able to handle a full time job again. I would rather work part time and struggle a little then not be able to work at all. So we'll see how it goes. I'm looking for a full time job that pays more also because if I'm gonna work full time it needs to be at a job that is worth the pay. While I love my job, I just wish I could make more doing it.

That's all I got for now, I've really been slacking on the blogging. I've had A LOT going on lately and I haven't had time to keep up!

A return...

Of both DH back home and Me to my blog. Now that DH is back home and we are doing better, not great, but not bad. We aren't arguing, but we're also not talking about the issues either. I can't bring them up without him getting mad and we do not know how to communicate without yelling at this point. I'm working on finding a marriage counselor, as well as working on some things that I needed to change. The baby issue will be put on the back burner for awhile. Well at least the infertility issues, since that seems to trigger huge fights at this point. I'll still keep my blog the same name because I am working for baby. And by doing that I first have to work on my marriage because you know first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes... well we don't know yet. So this is just an update for right now. I'm still working on weight loss and becoming a healthier me! That is my new focus as of right now.

Checking in...

I'm just here for a minute to check in. AF visited me on saturday morning at work. So we have a negative for my first try of Femara. My cycle is always a mystery to me but since I figured I ovulated exactly two weeks before I started, it was kinda nice to have AF show up to the day when I expected it. Normally it just comes when it comes because with the PCOS it's hard to track ovulation. This was our last try for awhile because of some marriage issues we've been having. We are not doing to well together and I'm trying very hard to figure out where we go next. DH is not living at home as of a week ago and we took a week apart. We've talked two times for about an hour each time and both times we discussed counseling vs ending our marriage. So things arent too good around here. I'm not sure where we are going from here, I'm hoping to go counseling and to learn to communicate. At some point our lines of communication have broken down. Neither one of us are happy and we're just so angry with each other. A lot of it has to do with my back problems, infertility, and seriously just pushing our biggest problems under the rug. So I'm hoping for this week to get him to come back home and just start over. Just be friends again and find someone who can help us communicate.

What If...

Watch this video about infertility. It made me cry. Seriously, what if?

A different not me monday

I haven't really been blogging too much because I haven't been feeling like myself. So it's techinally a "not me" monday and I don't really feel like doing an actual one. Anyway I tested last Friday just to make sure I didn't happen to ovulate the weekend before because I wasn't doing any ovulation tests then. It was a BFN. Even though I was sure it would be, any BFN is still depressing. I feel like the 2ww makes me really cranky and really unable to deal with any bullshit. Which is why DH and I are in a huge fight right now. I really wish I was able to get on here and blog about how great my life is, how loving, supportive, and caring my DH is, but that's just not how my life works. It's not perfect, we're not perfect. We fight a lot somethimes, and sometimes things are great. We try for a baby for awhile, then we take a break and then we try again. It's a crazy cycle in which we live. We both want to be parents and we love each other but we just have a few things to work through. I read a lot of blogs and I never read any where they talk about the stress infertility has on there marriage. I mean they say it but I've never read that they are fighting with their husband, that they have huge blow up fights from the infertility drugs. So I'm here to say that things aren't going well at this point. But they'll get better, soon I hope. I test this Friday and I'm pretty sure it will be BFN, as the only symptoms I have are sore boobs (which always happens after I take fertility drugs) and being a little lethargic. I blame the sleepiness on the weather and most of all the cramping and spotting I had has stopped. So we'll see what happens!

CD 19 and Mother's Day

Today is National Infertility Survival Day aka Mother's Day. I usually don't take it too hard, and my mom understands everything and we try to stay in and eat something or sometimes make it another day. I think it gets a little harder every year, but I think the holidays are harder for me personally. Anyway Happy Mother's Day Mama! Thank you for all your love, support, and understanding. Thank you for putting up with me on and off fertility meds, taking my late night crying calls, and still loving me through all of it. (My mom doesn't actually read my blog, but I still want to say it)

Today is CD 19. The Femara kicked my ass. I reacted the exact same way to it as I did the Clo.mid. We weren't able to BD all the days we needed to, as we weren't actually getting along. I took a few Ovulation tests staring Thursday and it was faint Thursday, darker late Friday, and fainter again yesterday. It wasn't as dark as the control line so I'm not sure if I actually ovulated. TMI AHEAD- I've been having a lot of cramping and some spotting since wednesday. It's all very confusing. Fertility meds are not fun. You're supposed to have timed scheduled sex, but they make you so crazy nobody wants to be around you let alone make a baby with you. Ah, such is the life in the infertile world. I will test probably the 30th anyway. We'll see what happens! Cross your fingers and send some baby dust my way if you can.

Random Facts

I was not originally tagged, but I wanted to share some random information for fun!
My job is to share 7 (8 - read #1) random, weird, or totally odd things about myself. Some things people may know and some they don't! So here goes...

1) I hate hate hate odd numbers. I think I have a little OCD and odd numbers drive me crazy because you can't fit things into them evenly. I always choose things with even numbers concert/movie tickets, seats, phone numbers (mine has all even #s), and anything else that would be numbered. And now I don't even pay attention to it, my friends call me out on it!

2) Growing up I was a cat person. I probably had about 50 cats as a kid, seriously. I was never into having animals in my house and tried to avoid dogs wherever I went. Now, I have 3 dogs and work at a vet clinic. Go figure.

3) I want a baby more than anything in the world. And I have since I was two years old and my parents brought my little brother home from the hospital. Every single birthday I asked for a baby doll, usually a Cabbage Patch. At one point in my life I had over 40 baby dolls and 26 of them were Cabbage Patch dolls. I always pictured myself with a baby and always knew I would be a mom, oddly enough I never saw a husband in my future.

4) Music is a-mazing. I can turn on music and it changes my whole mood. I can always put myself back in that moment when I first heard that song, or it brings back memories of certain people and places. And I LOVE to sing, but I happen to be really bad at it. One time while singing on the American Idol game, Simon told me I was the definition of tone deaf. Yeah, I'm that bad.

5) I don't care much for pizza, icecream, or chocolate. I've been told I'm un-American. I can have a little of each, but I never really crave any of them. As a kid I loved all 3, but as I've gotten older I guess my taste buds have changed.

6) I talk a lot. I am soooo chatty all the time. I'm always laughing, making jokes, and smiling. Even on really really bad days, I manage to put a smile on my face and pretend my world isn't coming down around me. It probably stems from childhood when my mom was on chemo and I had to go to school an act like things were fine because I didn't want people feeling sorry for me. I hate getting the "pity look".

7) I'm in love with Vince Vaughn. He's so adorable and funny, and I know he plays the same character in every movie, but it still manages to make me laugh. He's my
2nd husband, he just doesn't know it yet.

8) I love listening to the Howard Stern show. I've been listening for about 5 or 6 years. I used to listen everyday when I worked in a cube and wasn't allowed to talk to my co-workers so I put on my headphones and would turn Stern on and then get in trouble for laughing out loud.



Now my job is to tag seven others who will have to follow these basic rules:

* link your original tagger(s), and list these rules on your blog.

* share seven facts about yourself in the post - some random, some weird.

* tag seven people at the end of your post by leaving their names and the links to their blogs.

* let them know they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blogs and/or twitter.


I don't feel like tagging anyone else today so if you feel like being tagged go for it and link back here or let me know so I can go read yours!

NIAW and Random Stuff

Last Saturday kicked off National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) and I wanted to acknowledge it on my blog. I was on the Resolve website and found some helpful things, but mostly I liked the Infertility 101. I like that NIAW changed from the fall to right before mothther's day because it brings awareness that we aren't all mothers.

Speaking of not being a mother, this Fem.ara is kicking my butt. Monday, I got in the car turned up the radio and was singing along at the top of my lungs to Taylor Swift (don't judge) and then all the sudden I was crying. And then the crying turned into bawling and then I sat outside my work wondering how I was going to go inside because I could not stop crying. I was crying because of my Grandma passing (her memorial is today), I was crying because my best friend is leaving, and I was crying because I was thinking about the fact that I may never be in a hospital room and have my own baby handed over to me. I want that moment so badly. The moment where you're lying in the bed, you just gave birth, and they give you what you have wanted to see your whole life and you see the perfect little life you and your spouse created. Then a fellow co-worker came and knocked on my window and saved me. I've also had some hot flashes, trouble sleeping, and some moodiness, which I expected. It's about the same as the Clo.mid, but less severe in the whole my life is over, I don't want to live anymore funk it puts you in. Seriously, that's how my body reacted to the Clo.mid.

DH came home last night, finally! And I was so excited to see him, I couldn't stop hugging and kissing him. It was nice just to have someone in the house again. I was going crazy here all by myself. And I especially enjoyed someone next to me while I slept, and tossed and turned from the hot flashes.

I've also been keeping up on the walking. I've been walking every Saturday, Tuesday, and Thursday for the past 2 weeks. I'm pretty proud of myself. And even though I wanted to get out of it one day and use cramps as an excuse, I got my butt up and went out there. I was up 6 lbs, and that really discouraged me, but I think it was bloating and stuff because I am back down. Thank goodness. No progress is one way to get me to quit for sure.

Anyway I better get up and take something for these awful wisdom teeth and go change the fire alarm battery because that chirping is driving me nuts!

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

It's Monday again!

So to start off my wisdom teeth are NOT killing me because I was NOT supposed to get them taken out 10 years ago and have NOT done it. Not me, I always do what the dentist tells me to. They also do NOT come in every few months and then go back down. It does NOT make me sympathize with little babies who are teething.

I also did NOT stay up Saturday night until 3 am cleaning my house. I did NOT call every person I know to see if they wanted to come over and they didn't so I got up and started cleaning and the next thing I knew it was 3 am!

I also did NOT start my Fem.ara last night. I did NOT feel completely normal as opposed to the Clo.mid. I did NOT have full cases of the "Clo.mid Crazies" and it did NOT scare the heck out of me and DH.I also am NOT really really excited that the Fem.ara will work. I have NOT been looking on my message boards and reading other blogs about Fem.ara and seeing the success it has after Clo.mid doesn't work.

My friend Cheryl and I did NOT go to a big city-wide garage sale on Saturday morning at 6 am. We did NOT do this for 6 hours and only end up with 3 things each! I was not very disappointed since I was a virgin garage saler. I'd gone once before when I was younger but had never bought anything.

I have NOT been putting up picture frames and other various decorations in my house. We have NOT been in this house for 11 months and I still have not decorated or put up blinds and curtains. Nope, NOT me. I also am NOT the worst decorator in the world and have no idea what I am doing.

Seriously...

So I left work early today because I had such bad cramps and was so tired and worn out. I came home, let the dogs out, and crashed. I was hoping to wake up to my husband coming home and holding me since I've missed him very very much and am very emotional this cycle. Buuuut I get a text saying he will be in Texas until next week. So I talk to him and he says he won't be coming back until Tuesday. I have the whole weekend off for once and I have nobody to spend it with. It wouldn't make me so mad except he and his co-worker left on Wednesday and he came back today. This ALWAYS happens. This guy always goes on trips with him and then gets to come home early because he has a family. I don't mind DH going out of town every now and then but I can't take him being gone a week. Ugh sorry, just needed to vent.

Lonely Thursday and Dreams in the Making

I am once again at home alone. My husband took a private plane to Texas yesterday for work. All Tuesday night I had high anxiety about him flying in a private plane. I'm sure people fly in these things all the time, but they scare the heck outta me. Thank goodness he made it there safely, but now I have to worry about him flying home tomorrow. I hate being here alone this much. I don't mind a night here and there but this is the second time this month he's been gone multiple nights.

Yesterday I put in an application for a job that is a little bit further away from where I am at now but it pays more. A LOT more. Like $4 more an hour and they are hiring full time. I could save up lots of money for fertility treatments!

Speaking of treatments, (TMI ahead) I finally started! I'm only on day 38 or so. Ugh. But I get to start the Fem.era on day 5. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. I've been googling side effects and obviously didn't find anything I would like to hear. But since the Clo.mid didn't work, I am hoping, praying, begging someone- anyone to please let this work. Things have been going great around here and it makes me happy. I'm not usually a happy, bubbly person and I'm the type that always seems happy when I'm not. You know, making jokes to hide it all. People would never know how troubled I am or how depressed I can get. For the past week or so things have been good though. I've snapped out of my "funk" I was in.

I've also been walking a lot lately. Like more than I ever have in my life. Miles at a time. I have a few girls from work who have been meeting me at my house and we've been going on 2-4 mile walks every other day. My back has been amazing and I've been feeling so good and ready to get out there and lose this weight. I want a baby so bad and I'm finally motivated to get off my butt and work hard for it. I want this more than anything and I intend to do my hardest to make my dream come true.

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

It's Monday again! I canNOT believe the week went so fast!

The husband and I did NOT make the decision to start trying for a baby again and I did NOT do a happy dance when he left the room after we talked about it. This does NOT make me happy and sad all at the same time. I do NOT hate to see him looking up new cars and punching numbers in a calculator so we'll be prepared if we get pregnant but knowing there is a big chance it won't happen. NOT only do I hate to fail, I hate bringing someone down with me. This is NOT something I think about every time we try. NOT me, I'm never worried and anxious!

DH did NOT let a friend stay the weekend with us since he, his gf, and 4 month old baby had no where to go while their van was getting fixed. They were NOT the most ungrateful, hoosierish (yes it's now a word!) people I have ever met. Their son did NOT have his ear pierced and most certainly did NOT have a huge CZ diamond earring hanging from his little ear. It did NOT disgust me at all. The girlfriend also was NOT rude by NOT even speaking to me when she woke up on Saturday morning (I worked Friday night so I didn't see them. The friend did NOT say "Here go say Hi" and shove his baby in my face, forcing me to take him. Let me mention that I have never met these people. It did NOT make me mad that their baby was dirty and they took advantage of our showers themselves (thank god!) but never bathed their child. And when the GF finally chose to speak to me it was NOT about her 15 hr labor and the fact that if DH and I have a baby, it should be a boy (you know because we get to choose and all) because they are easier. I did NOT want to slap her. I also did NOT find that she was in our bathroom (in our master bedroom) without permission and did NOT use a ton of my expensive hairspray. I also do NOT have to scrub my sink to get all the hairspray off. I did NOT go out with friends after work on Friday and Saturday to avoid these people. Nope, NOT me, I'm a very gracious hostess..:)

Speaking of going out after work Friday, I did NOT go out with a friend from work and then get saddled into going and seeing her cousin's new baby at the hospital. It was NOT the most adorable baby girl I've seen in a long time. She was so little and had so much hair. It was NOT a little creepy that 1) The baby was a surprise (what I plan to have) 2) They named her Addilyn (Our girl name is Addelyn) 3)They live 5 minutes from me (It's odd because they were in a hospital in another town- the town I work in. And because my town is so small) 4) The new mom used to work where I work and did the same job as me! I did NOT take this as a sign at all and I did NOT make a joke that God must have had the wrong address. Nope NOT me I would never believe in signs.

I also did NOT spend Saturday after work walking around downtown St. Louis for 4 hours! We did NOT try to go up in the Arch and it was NOT sold out. This is NOT the second time this has happened to me, and I have still never been up in it! We also did NOT see Busch Stadium and was NOT there while the 20 inning game was happening. I will NOT try to post pictures sometime this week. I also did NOT go to "Game Night" at Judy's sister's house and did NOT have a ton of fun and end up playing until 2:30 A.M. Judy and I did NOT win at Scattergories and Catchphrase and also did NOT win what we call a "Best-Friend Off" for the second time against her sister and BFF. It was NOT quite a feat since Judy was wasted and I was completely sober (I had to drive her to her house, and then I had to drive 30 mintues home).


This does NOT wrap up my Not me! Monday. I do NOT have a lot more to say but think I have NOT said enough already. And it's NOT like anyone reads this anyway, I'm back to 0 followers. This did NOT make me sad at all.

Giveaway (not mine) and letting go.

Hop on over to see Meg at Infertile Myrtle and join her in her week of giveaways! She's been giving away some amazing and beautiful things..:)

Last night I put my wedding dress up for sale on Craigslist (CL). It was a little bittersweet. I could really use the money and it's just lying around buuuuut I'm sort of a pack rat. I could totally see myself on Hoarders someday. I have a hard time letting go of anything. So getting rid of something is really really hard but I'm doing it. I have so much stuff. All my wedding stuff, old prom/homecoming dresses, and old clothes just taking up space. I keep telling myself I'm gonna have a garage sale but I don't. Then I say I'm going to sell it, but I don't.

I hope it sells quickly! I've had a few offers on my dress and my veil. I'm a CL junkie. I've gotten my husband (a story from another time), my dog, my job, and even my own mirror back (that's a whole different story) all from CL. Its a wonderful place, way better than eBay because you don't have to worry about paypal and shipping charges and crap. Anyway off to make dinner for the husband.

Again?

The hubs and I are in talks to possibly start trying again for a baby for another 3 months. I would be taking Fe.mara this time since the Clo.mid didn't do much to help. I want to try these next months and if it doesn't happen I will go to school as planned either this fall or early next spring. School is 18 months long and after that we would revisit the situation. I really want to go to school, but I want to be a mommy even more. And there isn't a law that says I can't do both..:)

It also doesn'y help the situation that my friend who is getting a divorce was over here discussing all the aspects of it, including child support. DH is sooooo money oriented and I'm sure that really put him in the mood to want to try again. This time though I'm not going to try not to stres so much. If it happens, it happens. Our major problem is the "scheduled sex" (sorry for the TMI). It's so hard to get in the mood when you feel like you have to. And it's easier for me because I want a baby more than he does. He wants a baby because I want a baby but he isn't as obscessed with it as I am. He'd actually be fine if we never conceived.

A girl at work may be leaving (if her husband gets a job in Seattle) and I'm toying with the idea of working more hours. There are a few people there, not my boss, but some management people who want me to become the head night receptionist. It's a compliment to me, but it's also something I don't think I should take on if I'm thinking about school.

I woke up this morning thinking about how I wanted to get up and work out. I was happy that was my first thought this morning. Hopefully it's like that everyday. My back is doing sooo much better. This is the fastest recovery I've ever had when my back goes out (it went out a month ago). I re-read part of my book "Mind Over Back Pain" - I think that book saved my life. Literally.

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.


This week I have NOT been extremely emotional, crying at everything I see and hear. And DH and I did NOT have a deep heart to heart last night that made me even more upset. Nope my husband wouldn't do that, NOT him.

I also did NOT spend most of the weekend with my BFF. I did NOT spend the night at her house on Friday night because she lives less than 5 minutes from my work. We did NOT stay up talking for hours like school girls. NOT us!

I have NOT also been really really sleepy the past couple of nights. Normally I have a little bit of insomnia but NOT this week. I have NOT been falling asleep before I can put my head down.

I am NOT proud of myself for getting up on Thursday and getting my whole house cleaned. Nope, NOT me I'm a lazy bum.

I also did NOT start cutting back on bad foods and start working out with my Wii Fit Plus. I do NOT have fun playing the games on there. It also did NOT depress me that a year ago this time I was 20 lbs lighter. That does NOT make me upset at all.

There was NOT a wasp on my screen today, and I most certainly did NOT close the window and put a post-it on it that said "WASP" and leave it for my husband to find. I would NOT ever be that big of a baby, NOT me.

That's all for now, I canNOT keep my eyes open!

How Lucky am I?

I am excited that Dr. Sherman Silber of The Infertility Center of St. Louis is literally only about 45 minutes away from my house. He is an AMAZING doctor and can even transplant ovaries! It's nice to know that when DH and I try again, that if it comes down to it, I have this available and sooo close to home. People come from all around to see this man and he has such a high rate of success, it makes me so freaking happy. :) But I probably need to see a RE first..

Anyway my goal for today is to clean my ENTIRE house and catch up on all laundry. But I also want to clean out my "nursery". I have a 3 bedroom house. One is the master bedroom (duh!), then we have a computer room/spare bedroom, then I have what I call the "nursery". When we moved in I had a lot of "Clo.mid hope" so I left a room empty and made all these plans about getting it baby ready. Flash forward a year later and it's sitting with halfway unpacked boxes, some baby items people gave me(a pack n play, two carseats, some baby clothes, a high chair seat thing, and stroller), and some other junk that needs to be moved. Now I want to clean and organize it and make it a scrapbooking and jewelry making room(I plan on ordering a kit to make metal stamped jewelry, I love it!). Is that sad or is it smart to move on and get a hobby?

Wordless Wednesday

The above is a morphed picture of me and Vince Vaughn's baby. He is my second husband and I am completely in love with him. Yes I know I am a dork...

Makeover!

I made over my blog today! I'm so excited, and I did it all by myself. I sat down and read and watched tutorials, edited, cropped, and all kinds of stuff. I think I did a pretty good job for my first time. It took me hours, but I think I got the hang of it and hopefully when I want to change it next time it won't be so bad.

I took some time out today when I got frustrated and headed over to my friend Lindsay's house. Lindsay is my longest friend. We've been friends since I was 12 years old and we only live 5 mintues from each other, but still don't manage to see each other that much. My friend Cheryl was also there. Us three are like a trio and have all been hanging out together since I was 16. They are my "married with kids" friends. They each have two children and are married. Cheryl is going through a divorce right now and it's kind of shocking since she and her husband were high school sweethearts. But still nonetheless I get left out of things since I don't have children. It sucks sometimes, but I can't really change it now can I?

DH went out of town this morning until Friday so I am home all by myself for 3 days and 3 nights. I hate being alone at night. I tend to freak myself out over nothing every chance I get. I miss living in the Townhouse with my brother and best friend. dI always had someone aroung whenever my husband went out of town. If I didn't live so far away from my mom or Judy I'm sure they'd come spend the night. Oh well I hope I make it through the night! :)

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.


This is NOT my very first Not me! Monday. I am NOT excited about it.

I did NOT spend an entire week reading up on two new blogs. Megan at INfertile Myrtle and Kerry at Journey To Josey. I did NOT say a prayer for Kerry and baby Josey yesterday since Kerry was being induced and little Josey is just too small to survive. It did NOT make me sad.

I also did NOT try and shave Ava last Tuesday and fail miserably. It did NOT take an hour or more and I did NOT not finish. She was NOT a completely wonderful dog and did NOT sit there the whole time. She also did NOT turn over on her back so I would stop and rub her belly. My spoiled dog would NOT do that.

Speaking of dogs, I did NOT catch Lola eating chocolate and did NOT scare the heck out of her when I screamed at her. I work at a vet clinic and my dogs never do things they're not supposed to. Nope, NOT my dogs.

I also did NOT babysit a friend's kid this week. I also did NOT take her to get her 2nd Bday pictures done. It did NOT annoy me that this friend gets to have children and I don't. She is NOT one of the worst parents I know. I also did NOT have this baby overnight once or twice a week starting the week after she was born. This mom also does NOT have two children with two different men who did NOT want kids and were NOT good dads. It also does not p*ss me off that she does NOT expect me to watch her kid for free once a month since her babysitter "takes a day off". This does NOT urk me at all.

I did NOT snap at work on Friday because my coworkers had the windows open AND the AC on. It was NOT getting stuffy and humid in the building, while they were trying to do dentals in the back. I was also NOT sick and getting crabbier by the minute. I also cannot NOT work when I am hot and miserable. I would never get crabby at work, nope NOT me.

DH did NOT tell me on Wednesday night that he was leaving for the lake (we have lake property) on Friday since he was off. I was NOT angry at him for leaving on Easter wknd and deciding NOT to tell me until 2 days before he leaves. I also was NOT happy when he came home Friday night because it was supposed to pour down rain. It also did NOT make me giggle a little inside, that it did NOT pour...:)

I did NOT have to spend all weekend in bed because I was sick. It did NOT make me upset that it was a beautiful weekend and I have still yet to venture out. It also did NOT upset me that my mom called and we decided to "re-schedule" Easter because of said sickness. It also does NOT bother me that I canNOT taste any of the candy in the Easter basket that Judy made me. That does NOT bother me at ALL.

And that's it for my first Not Me! Monday... leave a comment and tell me how I did.

Obsession

I currently have a new obsession. I CANNOT stop taking pictures of this:







Could you?

Catching Up

I'm currently lying in bed on a gorgeous day. My husband is out mowing the grass and I'm sick in bed. Again. I just had this same thing about a month and a half ago that had me in bed for 4 days. I'm so sick of being sick. And I even de-germed the house after the DH had this last weekend. I had so many plans today. I wanted to go out to Busch Wildlife or even the STL Zoo. No fun is being had here though, except for reading a few new blogs.

I finally got a new schedule at work last week for April and was sooo excited to see that I would work on Wednesday day instead of Wednesday evening, which gives me an extra night home with the hubs. Then yesterday at work I get handed an ammendment to this upcoming weeks schedule that has me working Wednesday night, again. So much for that.

As I sat down to write this, I found Lola eating a little chocolate egg out of an easter basket Judy got me. Ugh. I work at a vet clinic and I hear these stories alll the time. Just two days ago I was talking with DH about how animals get these kinds of things and how the owners just don't pay attention and here my 4 lb chihuahua is eating chocolate! I'm a bad owner today. But she only got to actually eat a little of it, thank goodness.

I've started watching my ovulation again and have been trying to "time" BDing around it. DH is oblivious to this, and it's not like I'm going behind his back, I just want him to stay stress free. He is way better when he doesn't know everything and it's a lot less fighting. I'm only going to try for a couple more months and then I plan on going to school so I will probably start birth control for awhile, just so nothing interrupts school.

That's about it for now, I think my Ny.quil is kicking in so I'm off to take a nap so hopefully I can enjoy tomorrow. I may be hosting my first holiday in our house!

One more thing...

Wouldn't someone LOVE to become my first follower? You'd be my new best friend. Not really, but since mine is leaving....you never know! LOL. Two posts in one day...oh my. Someone call Guiness....:)

Bad Blogger

I am such a bad blogger. I wish I could write in this thing everyday but then when I think about writing something and putting it out there I freak out. I'm not really sure why. I don't, this point, have any followers and have only received one comment on one post so it's not like anyone is actually reading this. And if they are, they aren't anyone I know personally. I'm going to try to write at least every other day from now on. I'll write everything I can think about, and probably bore anyone who does come across my blog. But whatever it's MY blog and I can do what I want. :) I also need to learn how to "work" this blog. I'm not good at putting pics up, I don't know how to change my background, or even link to other people's pages. I need help! I could work my way around my.space so well when I had it and people would ask me how to do something! I don't know why this is sooo confusing. I am on the internet probably 23 out of 24 hours a day and I can find out how to do a lot of things, but I guess I'm lazy and haven't actually researched how to work this thing.

So anyway on a more personal note my BFF is leaving. 4 years ago she and I were crazy, single (well she was single, I was sort of single- but that's a whole different story), partiers. Like every single weekend we went to Cul.peppers and drank away our problems with the $2.50 Long Island Iced Teas they had. I have to say it was the best time of my life.

I wasn't an outgoing child, with high anxiety and never liking things to change, I never made friends easily until I got older. I used to sit in my house and read. I didn't do bad things, never got grounded, and never actually drank a lot until I turned 21. So on my 21st birthday, Judy and I hung out our very first time. After that we were inseparable.

Until 4 years ago after a night of Long Islands we made it over to my little brother's (I say little because he's only 2 years younger, but growing up he was my baby brother! Now he's 6 ft tall!) apartment. My brother and best friend at the time didn't really know each other and since both of us still lived at home (don't judge, it was waaay cheaper) we would go over to my brother's place and hang out with him and play drinking games. The next thing I knew they were dating. Then they were together. We all moved into a 2 bedroom townhouse together. Then they broke up for a summer, the summer I met my husband, but they ended up working it out. Now they are getting married next march and while the first year they were dating I had a really really hard time with it, now I can't wait for my best friend to become my sister!

Like I've said before they were planning on trying for a baby a month after their wedding. And I was genuinely excited and happy for them. Not just an infertile fake "Oh I can't wait" but a real I get to be an aunt again, and I can't wait to help out excitement. Buuuut my brother's job took him 3/4 hours away from me and she is going with him. Now I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do without my best friend. It really makes me sad. I'm going to miss you so much Judes!

I think that's enough for today. I have a lot to say! So with posting more, I should be able to get it all out. So until next time....

Sick Puppies

No, not the band. My little Lola and not so little Ava have been really sick lately, I think they have a parasite. I randomly took Lola to work yesterday and she started having diarrhea and she threw up on the hubby tuesday night. It was a good thing she went with me because we were able to check a stool sample, bloodwork, and her temperature. All were ok but we did send some off to the lab. I called DH on the way home from work last night and he had just walked in to a mess in Ava's cage. So both my babies were sick and they are both on lots of meds, all given at different times. I have 5 days of forcing medication down my puppies throats, I hope they still love me when it's all over.

We are still on a baby making break as of right now. I'm thinking about going back to school. I have always wanted to go to cosmetology school and I think I'm going to start in the fall. It takes 18 months so I think I'm going to go back on birth control (gasp) until I'm finished. I think the BC will regulate me and make sure nothing happens to interrupt school. I'm at that point where I have to accept I may never be a mom. So I need to have a career and something to do. Something I love. I love my husband and I love kids. I just wished my husband loved kids. He doesn't hate them, he's just never been around them much. He has the attitude of if it happens, it happens. He used to be excited and couldn't wait to have a baby, but I think reality hit him that it was going to be a lot work and a lot of patience. And a lot of dissapointments. I think he just can't deal with the failure that comes along with infertility. I don't want to deal with it either but I want a baby so bad that I would do anything for it. I read a lot of blogs and it seems that 90% of the infertility blogs I read, the women have fallen pregnant. It makes me excited for them and gives me hope, but it also makes me feel a little bit alone.

My best friend and my brother are getting married in a year, this month. Today he is moving about 3 hours away for his job. She will be following in a few months. This is heartbreaking for me. She is the only friend of mine who doesn't have kids, and she is very understanding and involved in my infertility. We've been planning her wedding and it's so exciting. They are planning to start their family the month after they get married, on their honeymoon. I was so excited for her, and couldn't wait to be an aunt again. And now they will be 3 hours away. I know it's not the end of the world but I still wish they were here and I could babysit their baby, and help them out.

Last week my back went out for the 3rd time. I'm still recovering and trying to get back to normal. It's just a huge setback because it was doing so well I was making plans to go to school, and was planning a weight loss program. I'm still going to do those things just in a different way. This spring/summer I'm going to work on my weight. I need to lose about 75 lbs. Thats a lot of weight. But I'm going to do it. I'm going to change my diet, walk a lot, and try to get into a pool as much as I can. The pool will be best because I'm weightless and I can do the most excercise. I know this is a really long post but it's been almost 3 months and I have A LOT to say.