3 years....

It's been 3 years since we began trying for a baby this month. Even though I wasn't naive, innocent, and one of those "Oh we just have to pull the goalie" people I still have been through a lot. I knew what to expect, what to do, who to call, what to try, what not to try, but I never could have predicted the emotional hell I've been through. The crying, the helplessness, the jealousy, the waiting, and the hope. Oh the hope. It's the reason I put myself through it all for 3 years. This infertility almost ruined my marriage more than once now and I've fought really really hard not to let that happen. Right now I am back on birth control until at least March 2011. I'm now solely working on me. My goal is to lose 30 lbs by March. My brother and best friend are getting married March 19 and I go back for a 6 month check up March 22 at my ob/gyn. I want to lose weight for many reasons...the wedding, to help my back issues, and most of all to try and see if I can get pregnant on my own. The night I took my first BC pill I went crazy a little. Because that little pill takes away all my hope. There will be no "accidents", there is no maybe my body won't betray me this month and it will happen. It's been a lot harder on me than I thought but I know come April when my best friend AND her sister start trying for a baby I will want to be ready to start too. I may even try seeing an RE.