Holidays...

I made it through the holidays! Every year at this time it gets really tough being an infertile. Seeing all the holidays shoppers out there with their strollers, families standing in line for Santa, seeing pregnant family members, and being asked when we are going to start a family. I have slowly started telling people on mine and DH's side about our troubles, and I think the news slowly trickled down through the grapevine because I got a lot less "you're next" comments. It's like a double edged sword for me when it comes to talking about fertility. I'm such an honest, open person that it's hard for me to keep something like this a secret. I usually talk openly about it but when it comes to my dad's side of the family (who I usually only see once or twice a year) I just can't discuss it. I don't want to see those looks of pity I know I will get. I already get them because I am the heaviest person in the whole family and because of the back issues I have.

This year I did get a few "You really need a baby" comments because I dressed up my little chihuahua in a tshirt and coat. I have 3 dogs. A lab named Ava, a beagle named Girl (DH's dog when we got married), and the chi chi names Lola. I sometimes catch myself talking to Lola like I would a baby. On Christmas Eve she was in my lap and she yawned and I looked at her and said "Oh, thats a big yawn", heaven help me.

On the baby front...DH and I are still on our break. I'm not really keeping track of ovulation and stuff. I am making sure I still have my AF just to stay healthy. I am on a weight loss challenge with some girls at work, and I am hoping to lose enough weight to make a huge difference and to kick start my body into ovulating on it's own.

So without further ado...here are my furbabies!!

When it's good, it's good.

I had a great Thanksgiving today with all my family and friends. We didn't go to DH's side of the family because it was the same time as my family's. Kind of a blessing because my SIL just told us a week ago that she is pregnant. I'm really happy for her but I am have to admit I am really envious. Maybe even a little ( or a lot) green with jealousy. I don't begrudge anyone happiness, I just wish I had the same. I've been thinking a lot about myself, trying to find my way. Thinking about who I am and who I want to be. Hoping the marriage I am in is what I need and what the future holds for us.

My first question is, Am I a good person? I believe so. I try to be. But is that enough? Next, Do I not love God enough and am I being punished in some way for it? I know that God doesn't actually punish us for things but sometimes it really feels that way. Third, Is the person I married the right one for me? Don't get me wrong, I completely love my husband, but sometimes he makes it really hard to do so. I feel lost. I feel empty. I sometimes doubt that my husband actually loves me. I know that at one time he loved me so much he became someone that his friends and family never thought they'd see.

He was good. He was amazing, supportive, kind, and funny. He was there for me through some pretty big things and I had never felt that love from someone the way he loved me. I thought it was too good to be true and it turns out that I was right. I didn't want to be right. For once I wanted to be wrong, and have that person that I never had growing up, the person who didn't leave.

All my life I've watched people walk out the door. My dad when I was 4, after he came home and told my mom he didn't love her anymore and if she didn't like it to get out. My best friend when she got a boyfriend, and she never looked back. My mom when she was going out every night with a different guy and didn't care that I was at home needing her. My first love, who just broke up with me because he didn't want a girlfriend (except he had one a week later). He broke my heart into so many pieces that it's never been the same. I just need that one person to stay. Just stay with me and hold me when I cry, support me when I fail, laugh with me when I'm happy. Just stay.

The first thing DH does when times get tough is pack his bag and walk out the door. Everytime it kills me. One time I want him to just be here, be in this marriage and work it out with me. Help me achieve my dream of being a mom. Give me the strength when I can't go on. Things have gotten really bad and I'm not sure where we went wrong and if we can ever get back to where we need to be. I'm not sure if he even wants to. I want to. I want us to find our way back to each other again and find at least a little of the love we once had not too long ago. I married someone that only existed for a little while, but if he existed once maybe he can exist again. Just maybe.

Done. Finished. Over.

Well AF showed up Friday at 5 am. I have horrible, can't think of anything else cramps- just to remind me in case I forgot that my hopes for having a baby in the near future are over. We need this break more than anything. Since we decided to take a break we've been getting along a lot better. I hope this will make our marriage stronger so if we have to go through this again it will be an easier journey. And if I hear "just relax and it will happen" one more fucking time I will strangle someone, anyone. Just saying.

17 weeks

A girl at my mom's work is 17 weeks pregnant. She is going to be getting an abortion Friday. For some reason I am completely consumed by this and cannot think of anything else. I am utterly heartbroken that someone who could possibly feel their baby move and know what the sex is would want to terminate their pregnancy. I'm actually pro-choice but to a certain extent. I mean I realize people make mistakes but fix your mistakes at 4 weeks, not 17 weeks. I just keep thinking that in 6 weeks this baby could possibly survive the NICU. I read many blogs and boards and sooo many women have lost their babies and it just makes me wish I could do something to stop this. I want to call her parents, send her a link to a youtube 17 wk sonogram, link her to a blog to someone who has been trying for 10 years to have a child. I know it's not my business and it really has nothing to do with me, but I can't help thinking about it since I found out.

Last Round

I finished my last round of Clo.mid and am hoping to ovulate this week. I stepped it up from last time using 150 mg of the Clom.id, preseed before we BD, and taking magnesium- which I heard helps for fertility but also helps cramping in the legs and stuff I get at night so I love the dual purpose. This time has to be THE time, because this was my last round of the meds for awhile. DH and I need a break, after 2 years of ovulation timing, progesterone, scheduled BD, and now Clo.mid. I hate that I'm now a "quitter". But I think thats what DH and I need. Since we've moved into our house we have barely had anything but scheduled BD and lots of meds, so I think we will see what happens and maybe I will start up after the new year, or whenever DH and I decide we want to start trying again. I just need time and more support from DH before we do anything more than Clo.mid. I obviously can't do IUI, IVF, or adoption by myself. So all things I can cross are crossed that I will get my break but because I'm pregnant and not because I have to wait until we're ready to try again.

CD1

I am up at 3 am currently with a bad toothache. I got up to pee and I started..:(. I'm upset but it's not like I didn't it was coming. I've been a little bloated and had some AF symptoms. But that still didn't stop me from testing, since I was supposed to start on Monday. Yesterday I had a migraine so bad I almost called into work, so I knew AF was on her way- that's always my tell tale sign. I'm going to call my Dr. in about 6 hours when they open to have them send out my next round of clo.mid 150mg. I'm also going to try a sperm-friendly lubricant because I was told sometimes the clo.mid can cause hostile CM. So we'll see what happens this time. I hope this will be our month!

DH and I had a great anniversary. He arranged a petsitter and took me to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. It was a whole night without the dogs! And as I reminded DH, it was the first time I haven't spent the night at home since we bought the house. We went to dinner and spent the night in the hot tub and the casino (the hotel is connected to a casino).

Also monday night when I got home from work DH informed the his little sister (younger than him, older than me) was getting married tuesday. When I met DH she was getting a divorce, and now she married the guy she was cheating on her husband with. I'm praying she didn't get married because she's pregnant. I'm not saying I don't think she shouldn't have kids, but I'm hoping its just not now. She's one of those petite cute blonde girls with fake boobs. There is something about her that rubs me the wrong way sometimes, she's very sweet but it irks me that she chose to get married on a tuesday 2 days after our anniversary. Sorry I just felt like venting about this since it's bugging me, and since AF is here I'm sure it will bug me more.

At work a girl who was on medical leave for her pregnancy, returned last week. I'm pretty much scheduled with her all the time, in which she spends it by rubbing her belly at every single second, and I'm not exaggerating. She was a drug addict and I hated her before she got pregnant. It's just worse now that she talks every second she gets about her baby and her pregnancy. The first night during her tirade about how she hates being pregnant and there are some girls who just like it but she doesn't and she can't wait for it to be over, I ended up in tears and had to run into the bathroom before anybody saw and thought I was crazy. I've learned to tolerate it since then, it still bugs me but I haven't ended up in tears again. I only have a few more months before she is out on maternity leave.

I'm hoping things start getting better soon, and I'm finally going to try and get some sleep even though the pain meds haven't kicked in for my tooth. Ugh.

5DPO

Today is 5 DPO and no symptoms. Lately I've been having a headache everyday when I wake up, thats the only difference but I can get that from allergies too. Nothing yet but it's still early. I will be testing on October 5th...1 day after DH and I's 1 year anniversary. I think if I have symptoms (real symptoms- not those of an obsessive 2wwer) I will test on our anniversay because that would be an amazing gift. If I don't have any I will just wait til the next day so I can actually enjoy our anniversary.

I can't believe that summer is already over. I keep thinking that if I am pregnant I will be due in July. I have always said I did not want to be 9 months pregnant in the middle of summer- that was before I was infertile. Now I will be 9 months pregnant in any month- just to have a baby.

O

Pretty sure I O'd between last night and today. I came home from work last night and (TMI) had a tinge of blood when I wiped, so of course I think it's AF. I crawl in bed, google "Ovulation bleeding", and become ecstatic that this could actually be working! Apparently when you O your estrogen drops, just like when AF comes and sometimes women bleed when they O. So I woke DH up and BD and hope for the best. It was gone when I woke up today so no early AF thank goodness. Maybe it is my month!

Here's Hoping

Friday I had my 12 day u/s. It went ok. We saw some follicles, but as the Dr. said over and over and over again they were really little. She said I would possibly O 4 days from then, which makes it tomorrow. The plan is to BD today, tomorrow, and wednesday. Thats going to be a feat in itself. I work at night tonight and wed. Soo that means I have to wake him up when I get home, not the easiest thing to do. DH gets up early, like really early and doesn't get home until late. So its not something I'm looking forward to. If I don't get a BFP this month, the Dr. will put me on 150mg of the Clo.mid. Hopefully without another u/s, as everytime I go in there I get the same person to check me in. And it wouldn't be so bad except there are about 6 people who check people in and everytime I get the girl who is like 7 months pregnant. Everytime. Then I get to walk over and read pregnancy magazines. So here's hoping I actually O this time.

Today..

Today I have my day 12 U/S. Since it's my first I'm not really quite sure what to expect but I'm hoping we see some follicles. DH and I BD'd on day 9 and 11. I was hoping for more but it was like pulling teeth to get that. I think he's stressed and he made a comment about how it was becoming a chore. I'm trying to make a decision about whether to tell him when I'm ovulating or not. He may know but I try not to make a big deal about it. I'm not sure if this cycle, and the next don't work, I may take a break. After 2 years of trying and 3 cycles of clo.mid we may deserve a much needed break. I know I probably will. After taking each cycle I suffered and emotional and mental breakdown, I couldn't stop crying and DH thinks I'm crazy. I had my chihuahua on lap yesterday and started crying because I had the "I'll never have a baby" thoughts, I'll only have a dog. I wonder if I'm the only one who feels like they're going nuts after taking the clo.mid. We'll see what happens. Hopefully this cycle works.

U/S and more meds

Yesterday I had my ultrsound to check after my first round of Clo.mid. The Dr. said everything looked good, nice comfy uterus and no cysts. She started me on 100mg Clo.mid and I go back on day 12 for a check. We'll see what happens next. Cramps today are so bad I can hardly move. ugh.

She's Here.

AF showed. And she's here in full force. :( I knew it was coming but I always hold out a little hope. Last night I came out of the bathroom crying and DH was actually very supportive. He even got me to laugh. I love him.

1st 2ww

So I'm at the very end of the 2ww. I test wednesday. But of course I couldn't wait and tested saturday. Hey I just couldn't walk past the hall closet one more time without grabbing a test. Anyway just as I suspected, BFN. I have some sore boobs and some cramping. I really don't get the sore boobs before I start so that must have been from the Clo.mid. But I'm guessing AF is on her way. I hope it waits until tomorrow because I need to get my U/S before day 5 and its easier if I can call the day I start to actually get in there in time. So anyway another month of meds and lots of BD. DH and I haven't BDed since over a week ago when we had to. It was our first month of actual scheduled BD and we couldn't handle it, lol. I hope we enjoy this next month a whooole lot better. I hope I'm wrong but I don't have any "pregnant" feelings.

26

On this day in 1983, at 4:09 pm my mother gave birth to a sweet baby girl. She grew up with two loving parents and 2 brothers. She was riding horses at the age of 1 and could write in cursive before kindergarten. At age 13 she moved in with her dad and finally went to one school for the rest of her school days. She graduated with honors from that school in a class of 85 in 2002. She then met the love of her life, married him, they bought a house together, and have 3 furbabys. Now she can't wait to have her own sweet little baby to give them all those things she had. Happy Birthday to me. :)

I know I'm usually whining on here (hey it is my blog) but today I'm grateful for all the things I've had, done, and have now. And maybe one day my dream will come true and I will hold my own little one in my arms like my mom got to do 26 years ago.

I've finished my Clo.mid and DH and I have begun our BD marathon, lol. What a great birthday present it would be if I finally got pregnant. I don't have high hopes since it was such a low dose, but miracles do happen!

Today my best friend and I are going to the zoo and have lunch. Then tonight a bunch of us are going to the cheesecake factory. I remember when birthdays meant drinking it up and waking up hungover the next day and now I wouldn't dream of drinking even one sip! So today I'm going to sit back and enjoy all the things I DO have and dwell on the things I want tomorrow.

1983



2008

Embarassed..

I went to work last night in an ok mood. I was just really tired, which for me is the norm lately. I've been at my job for about 6 months now and I know the girls pretty well and I've shared a little of the TTC journey with them, not too much. Pretty much just the oh yeah DH and I are trying. Towards the end of the night I go to use the restroom and of course I find (sorry TMI) spotting on my panty liner. I decide I'm going to suck it up, and I head back out to start cleaning, but first I try to call DH. 1/2 hour later and about my 6th call to DH, who isn't answering the phone, I completely break down into tears and I can't stop. My coworker has no idea why and I'm totally mortified. How do you explain to someone that you just started, something they do every month, and it's devastating because not only are you not pregnant, you have to start fertility drugs. Something you've been dreading. I feel so embarassed about my actions last night, I'm usually the "comic relief" type person. Always making jokes, and trying to lighten the mood in a stressful time at work (we're having a computer conversion, and changing our whole filing system). Anyway so it's officially CD 1 today and I'm depressed and in a foul mood of course....onto a new chapter...

Ready, Set, Ovulate!

Last night I finished taking my pro.metrium and I should start within the next few days. Last month I was late by over 2 weeks! Of course that set off a round of do my boobs hurt?, am I nauseous?, and taking mulitple tests by me and doctors. Anyway on day 3 I will begin my Clo.mid. I dont think with the 50mg I would have any side effects. And a girl that I went to highschool with got pregnant on her first round. I know thats probably not likely for me but it gives me hope.

DH and I sat down last night and I went over with him the same directions the Dr gave us. I'm taking this on day 3, we have to BD at least every other day from day 9 until day 20. DH isn't like any other guy, I actually have a higher sex drive than him, so for him this isn't like a dream come true. I then told him I will put up a calendar keeping track of my cycle, and he asked me if that was neccesary and of course I told him it was since he doesn't know my cycle day off the top of his head like I do. So that's about it for now. Just waiting to finally ovulate.

The Next Chapter

All in all this new house thing is going great. DH and I fight a lot less and we have a lot more room to spread out and not be in each others way, a townhouse with 2 couples got very cramped very fast. DH and I went to the Dr's appt last week and it went pretty much how I thought it would go. Dr. W, who I've been seeing since I was 16 and first dx me with PCOS, is really hopeful that it will happen soon. She put me on Clo.mid starting day 3 of my cycle and I'm pretty nervous about it. I know its a low dose and all but I'm a board junkie and have read all the SE of this drug. Also there is that feeling of failure. If this doesn't work, then what? Where do we go from there? I just sit here praying that for once my body does something right and this makes me ovulate and we don't have to head down the road of things we can't afford, i.e. Injections, IUI, IVF, Surrogacy, and Adoption. I could really use some advice from people who know what I'm going through on how to get through this, and what to expect next. I don't have anyone IRL who is infertile and TTC, so my boards and my blogs are all I have. It's amazing how excited I get when I read someone has gotten a BFP on a blog I read. I'm happier for these people than my RL friends! LOL.

I am currently reading a book called "The Conception Chronicles", and I like it so far. To know that there are people out there who have the same thoughts and problems I do. It's been almost 22 months of trying and I don't want to lose hope. I've lost over 30lbs and am making sure I take my meds religiously. DH and I had a talk the other morning about him being more supportive, and I'm hoping he sticks to his word. So I'm begging to the Clo.mid gods, please, please, please work.

I haven't been back to the back dr since I had my last MRI. I have been working sooo much because we're shorthanded and I just don't have the time with the new house, other dr appointments and stuff like that. So really nothing new there. The pain was getting managable, at least not as painful as a year ago, but since I've been working more it's coming back slowly but surely. I read a book called "Mind Over Back Pain" by Dr. John Sarno. I'm really trying to put my mind over the back pain but sometimes it just doesn't work.

Anyway I think I've complained about my life enough, lol. My puppy is doing great and I could watch her for hours do the crazy things she does. She's 50 lbs and thinks she is a lapdog. Literally. She jumps in my lap when I'm least expecting it. She is so cute and I don't know how I ever lived without her. She is so excited when I come home from work and brightens my day when I walk in the door from a bad day. So until next time.....

So Much To Say!

Well it's been awhile and so much has happened. I am currently writing from my new house! DH and I are in our new house and it's really exciting, and also wierd to be on our own since we've met. I also got a puppy! She's an 8 month old yellow lab/beagle mix. Her name is Ava Jane and I completely love her. She is my first furbaby since I've gotten older and I love having her around to help me forget about TTC, although I'm sure I won't forget but she's a good distraction. This last month DH and I kinda put TTC on the backburner because we've had so much house stuff going on. Next month is the month DH and I agreed to start Clo.mid. I hope we will be ready by then. I also have picked out a room for the nursery and that has me excited too! I can't wait to see what I can do in there.

So I had the RFN for my back and it was very very painful and I haven't felt any relief since. I've been sent back for an MRI and am just waiting for the follow up appt. I would love to enjoy a pregnancy with no pain. DH and I have been trying for 19 months this month and they've had longer than that to fix this. I always thought they would find the problem before I actually concieved and I don't think that is going to happen now.

So new house, new puppy, and all I'm waiting for is that little baby to bring home to both of them.

BFN Blues

So today I have the BFN blues. I know DH and I are repairing our marriage and all that but as someone who knows what they want, and has wanted it all her life, it's still disheartening to get that BFN. I sit waiting, hoping for a miracle and maybe that 2nd line will magically show up. I took my prometrium every night, BD'd every other night from day 12 to day 28, trust me that took a lot of coercing! I know its not over yet, and like with most PCOSers I could have ovulated late which is why I made sure to BD up to day 28. It could still be too soon to tell but I have a feeling AF is on her way. Last night I had the most amazing dream. I was pregnant and I drove myself to the hospital. I didn't even care about the pain from the contractions and they kept asking me if I wanted my epidural and I just said no I want my baby. Finally I gave birth and they whisked it away and cleaned it up and brought it back with a binky in its mouth with a pink bow on it. My mom handed me my daughter and I just stared at her, amazed at how beautiful she was and how much she looked like DH. She had light blond hair and his nose and eyes, just perfect. I named her Addelyn Christine. My heart was filled with such joy I've never experienced, in real life or a dream. Then I woke up and realized it wasn't real and tried so hard to get back to that hospital bed with that baby in my arms. Anyway I just wanted to give a sort of update and write out my dream so I never forget it, not that I think I ever will.


Back update:
I am now seeing the 3rd doctor in the practice tomorrow. I'm going to meet him and hopefully set up an outpatient procedure called RFN, i think. They are going to go in and burn the nerves to my sacroiliac joint, to hopefully stop the pain. They are convinced this is where my chronic pain is now coming from since they've done all they could for my spine.

One last thing..I started a job this last Tuesday. It's a receptionist at a vet clinic. It's a lot of work but even though I'm still in pain I'm enjoying working those few hours a day. I think it will help me mentally, and help DH and I's marriage. All right I'm off to read other blogs in blogworld!

Working it out

So DH and I are working things out. He's been home for awhile now and we've been able to talk about things and see where we are going from here. I have decided I need a change. I am now seeing a therapist and have been put on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medication for now because having chronic pain from my back since I was 23 and having my marriage fall apart after 3 months sort of leads to depression. I'm really working on getting better. Today I got a part-time job so I can help with the bills and still have time to work on getting fixing my back. About 2 weeks ago I had an injection in my Sacriliac joint on my left side and it has taken away about 50% of the pain on that side and has helped tremendously. I have been able to cook, clean, do laundry, and yoga on my Wii.fit my husband bought me. And I've started to lose some weight! I think all this will help me get through this and the fact that my husband and I are doing alot better. I'm really excited for Valentine's Day with him. Anyway we are putting the baby plans sort of on the back burner. I'm refusing to give up completely right now. I am still going to take my Met.formin and the last dose of my Pro.metrium and see what happens but as far as I know I'm still not ovulating. The Pro.metrium did help bring on AF a couple weeks ago, not quite what I normally have but there was something. So I'm hoping to just get my body regular and keep it that way for when we decide to throw ourselves back in the ring. I'm dying to have a baby and I hope we don't wait too long, I just want to make sure we're happy first.

TTC over

I'm not sure who reads this, if anyone but I think I need to write this down for my own personal reasons. So I thought I'd start by enlightening people as to why we're done TTC. My marriage of 3 months is a failure to put mildly. My husband and I don't always get along and since we've known each other such a short time I've always attributed it to that. But when one person doesn't want to work it out, nothing can be fixed. A week ago my husband and I got into an argument and things were said that didn't need to be said and since it got so heated, I decided to take myself out of the situation before anything else was said by going and staying the night at my mothers. When I came home the next day he'd packed his stuff and told my roommate (my best friend) that he'd be back in a week, he was giving me time to cool down. I thought that a week apart with no contact would help, we needed a break. Saturday night I run into my ex, W, and I get the whole "Leave your husband and come back to me" deal. This would be one of my exes who just had a baby and of course the first thing he does is whip out a picture and show it to me, which was hard to swallow. And since it's a small town I also find out my other ex, M, is having a baby girl soon, ugh. I leave, saying I take my vows seriously, I love my husband. So When I make the call to him last night, I don't get an I miss you, I'm coming home. I get news that he got another bank account and has plans to rent a house in his hometown. I'm completely devastated. I ask him about options and talk about annulment, a non-contested divorce, and/or marriage couseling as I've researched all 3. He says he looked up divorce and annulment and refuses marriage counseling. I'm not sure as to where we go from here or what I will do since I do not work due to my back injuries. I am going to be going back on birth control for the time being, because this is not the relationship to bring a baby into. I just want to say that I love DH more than anything and when I looked into his eyes just 3 months ago and said my vows I never figured it would end like this.

Not Working

Hey so I went to my Dr. on the 23rd of Dec. She put me on Pro.metrium to start my cycle. By that time I was 5 days late. I should have started the 18th and was late. I had already taken a test a few days before to make sure I wasnt pregnant before going in. Then they gave me a test- all negative. So I started the pro.metrium that day and took it for 12 days and nothing. Never started or anything. Called the dr and they told me to take a test and then wait until Jan 15- tomorrow- to test AGAIN and then refill my rx and start taking it again. I don't feel pregnant and I'm fairly sure I'm not so I guess I'll try this again. I was also looking into something more natural like Fert.ility Blend. I was going to go to GNC after this round of Pro.metrium if it doesnt work and see how that goes. DH and I havent really been getting along so I don't feel like actually doing what it takes to make a baby. So giving the Pro.metrium a chance to work sounds good to give us time to work it all out. Everyone said the first year of marriage is the hardest well I'm finding the first 3 months pretty damn hard. Anyway I've also been back to the Dr. for my back. I had an MRI today and will be going back to the dr. on monday for the results. I feel more surgery thats not going to help coming. I'm sick of them saying I'm too young for all this. I get that. I'm young yes but I have back problems and they need to be addressed as real. I realize people go in there for drugs or because they like attention but thats not me, I'd rather not be there at all. So I'm waiting to see what happens on all fronts.