IUI's and IVF

So we've been on the fertility fast track for the last 6 months. I've done 4 rounds of Clo.mid, only getting a surge on the ovulation test on the 2nd one. After the 2nd round failed after confirmed ovulation, we decided to do an IUI. But I failed to get a surge and everytime I went in for an ultrasound I had already ovulated but last month bloodwork showed I didn't ovulate. I go tomorrow for more bloodwork to see if I actually ovulated this last round. Very confusing to us and the doctor & staff. After so many failed IUI's, I asked if we could move straight to IVF after the new year because our insurance covers 4 cycles at 80%. I figured by the time we spent all the money on the medicines, ultrasounds, and IUI's we should just move on to something that would work. The nurse at the Dr's office said that she thinks it is our best chance to bring home a live healthy baby. So on the 22nd we go in to have our talk about IVF. I'm nervous, scared, and excited all in one. It's going to be so hard to get DH on bored with all that we're going to have to do to prepare for the IVF. I've been trying to talk to him and get him ready for it by telling him all the things I know about it. I still have a lot to learn though about injections and stuff.

On to some other things that have been going on in our life... Our "roommates" annouced that my SIL was expecting and I had a really really hard time with it. She then miscarried and they moved out in October. It was the best thing for us because it was causing problems between us having them in the house and then I couldn't believe she knew all about my infertility, we let them live in our house with their baby, and she purposely got pregnant. It was a slap in the face to me.

My brother and SIL are expecting a baby girl in March and I can't be more excited. I sometimes struggle to put a happy face on about my brother and best friend having a baby and I'm not but I know I AM happy for them. It was hard to take her to register, to give up all my "secrets" and research I've been collecting over the years. And she also took my theme for my nursery, and that one stung a lot. I just have to move on and hope that someday I'll get my little miracle.

I honestly have a hard time thinking about what life would be like if we didn't have a child. DH isn't open to adoption, and I just wonder if I would resent him for not allowing me to become a mother. I know that I love him and I can't wait to be parents together, but are we going to be one of those couples that infertility tears apart?

All Clear

My tubes that is. We went to visit the RE last month and I have to say I wasn't impressed. He was a little stand off-ish, and seemed to concentrate on my weight the most. I'm pretty sure he knows I'm well aware of my weight issue and that I have tried countless things to try and lose weight. He even mentioned that he wouldn't be opposed to me using the weight loss center at the hospital he's connected to. I've been thinking about possibly getting the lap band surgery because I've tried every diet under the sun and they don't seem to work. Anyway since the visit I've had tons of bloodwork and an HSG which all came back normal. DH just had his sperm analysis last week and we're waiting on results. I'm keeping my fingers crossed everything comes back ok. If all is well, then we will start back up with meds on my next cycle. I do have an appointment scheduled in December with another RE and if I'm not pregnant by then then we may go see him.

In other news, my SIL - my best friend is about 2 months pregnant. They only tried 3 times. 3 times! Not 3 months but unprotected 3 whole times. I'm happy for her and my brother but it still upset me a lot. I'm doing my best to be supportive but it's just really hard to deal with while I'm going through infertility treatments. DH's sister, husband, and baby still live with us and today is her 1st birthday. It's a good thing I work tonight because I don't think I can handle anymore baby stuff! A co-worker is pregnant again and she has a 4 month old baby already and asked if DH and I would adopt but I can see this as a heartbreak waiting to happen because I cannot imagine her giving her child up for adoption. She may think she can do it but I'm pretty sure as soon as she gives birth she will change her mind, and there is no way I can handle something like that now. I love that she thought of me and would trust us to raise her child, but I'm not sure it's a good decision for DH and I. We have discussed adoption and while I'm 1000% open to it because I just want to be a mother and it doesn't make a difference to me if I give birth or not, DH is not quite ready for that. I wish things were different and I could be preparing for a baby too but you can't make someone be a parent unless they want to.

Finally an RE in sight!

I'm so excited to annouce I will be FINALLY going to see an RE this month! My endocrinologist referred me to one, who is an amazing RE, but they didn't have an opening until DECEMBER! We have already waited so long I didn't want to wait another 8 months. So when I saw my gyno she referred me to one who could get me in June 28th and is soooo much closer to my house. It's actually less than 10 mintues from my work and in between mine and DH's jobs, which is amazing. I'm also pretty excited because June 28th is DH and my 4 year anniversary so I'm hoping it will bring some luck. I haven't been this hopeful in a long time about having a baby. I can't wait to see what the Dr. says. I hope is something as simple as blocked tubes and nothing like a low sperm count or something which would give us double infertility.

Ever since our in-laws moved in with us last month (his sister, her husband, and their 10 month old baby) I've had the drive to get pregnant ASAP, since he never gave them a timeline. So I figure if I get pregnant they have about 9 months and then they have to find their own place. The situation isn't as bad as I thought it would be, it's just hard to sit back and watch someone else parent a different way than you would. I've found that is the hardest part, the whole roommate thing isn't bad but seeing someone else be a mom when I can't sucks.

Bed Rest Sucks

I've been on bed rest since the wedding. I still can't walk on my right ankle and am now in physical therapy because it. I am supposed to return to work this coming up Wednesday. I sure hope so, even if it's on light duty because I'm going stir crazy in this house. I'm getting more and more anxious about my inlaws moving in. My sister in law, her husband, and 8 month old baby will be moving in in a couple weeks. Into our spare bedrooms, one of which was supposed to be my nursery.
I had to reschedule my follow up gyn/ob appt because I couldn't drive so I don't return to her until April 20th but on April 12th I have an appt with my endocrinologist and I'm gonna have him run every test from thyroid to blood glucose. I want to rule out any other hidden problems that could be causing infertility. I'm also going to ask him for a referral for a reproductive endocrinologist. DH and I have been discussing taking the next step and I think even if my gyn/ob doesn't think I need to see an RE, I think it's time to move on and get serious. I sometimes feel like she doesn't take me seriously because she's been seeing me since I was 16. I feel like she treats me like the virgin kid she knew when she met me. I need someone to see me as a married woman who has been trying for 3.5 years! DH just got a raise at work and we will be in a better position to try and to raise a baby. Also I think if I get pregnant it will put a time limit on this whole in-law situation, because if I'm pregnant they only have so long to stay in my nursery! That and since my brother and best friend are now married, they are going to be trying soon and I would love for us to be pregnant at the same time. I want our kids to be really close.

Like a scene from Misery

Last month failed as well on the TTC front. I really thought we had it though. We hit ovulation day and everything. Oh well life must go on. This last weekend my best friend and my little brother got married. And this wedding was a huge mess. Starting with replacing two of the wedding party, people not making it due to sickness, and down to me falling out of the party bus at the FIRST stop to take pictures. I tripped over the curb and rolled not one, but BOTH my ankles. I ended up in the ER for most of the reception and now have two severely sprained ankles and one possibly fractured. I stood up to take as many pics as I could and then I was whisked away to the ER. I did make it back to the reception for an hour of it, but I missed the entrance, giving my maid of honor speech, dances, and cake cutting..:( I do have to say it was a beautiful ceremony and a great reception from what I saw of it.

If at first you don't succeed...

Last month = Fail. We are trying again this month. I don't really have words for it. I know better than to get my hopes up so I just move on and keep trying. Right now DH and I are in some kind of mad sickness that has been going on since Valentine's Day for me. Sore throats, runny noses, coughing, and a fever that won't quit. At night we're passing puffs plus and cough drops so I hope we can get better in time to BD, because right now neither one of us are in the mood. This is not much of an update but it's all I have until my fever breaks...:)

It's a Blizzard!

I live in Missouri and we've been having blizzard conditions. Right now I'm on day 3 of being snowed in and restless. I really need to clean my house but all I could do was watch the ice and snow fall and then take pictures of it of course. We've got probably 3 inches of ice and then maybe 12-15" of snow on top of that. It's really hard not to POAS at this point and not to scrutinize every. single. "symptom". So far I've had a little cramping, some nauseousness, tender boobs (I seem to always get that after fertility drugs), and for some reason crazy breakouts on my face (this is a new one!). I have my brother and best friend's wedding coming up in less that 2 months and still haven't written my MOH speech. I'm such a slacker.

This last weekend I visited my best friend and brother in IL (where they live now, they moved from KC) and she and I visited a psychic. It was a little unsettling because right off the bat she told me that I have an amazing smile but I use it to hide things going on inside me. She said I put on a smile and act like everything is ok but inside I am a puzzle. At this point she didn't know anything about me but my name! She then went on with other things but did mention children in my future...I stopped her and said a child or children? And she said children, 1 girl and 1 boy, but she sees something blocking them. She said they will come in time but right now there is something stopping them from coming. I thought it was odd she said that since she didn't know about my infertility at that point. She told me to continue to pray for them (like I would ever stop..:)), and relax (which I HATE hearing - like if I "relax" I will magically ovulate), and someday they will come. I sure hope she was right!

Day 14

So far I'm still waiting to O. TMI AHEAD! Yesterday DH and I BD'D and about 4 hours later I had some blood tinged EWCM. My ovulation test yesterday morning was negative so just to be sure I took another one last night and it was still negative. But I'm glad we BD'D just to make sure. I wouldn't want to miss my chance after all the side effects I went through. Seriously I was one crabby be-otch. I slept a lot. Instead of ripping my husband's head off or yelling at the dogs for no reason, I just napped. Between that and the sweating it wasn't all bad. For Christmas I got a new camera, a Nikon D3000 to be exact. So while I'm waiting for this cycle and trying not to get my hopes up, I've been practicing taking pictures. I've been watching tutorials on YouTube, reading my Nikon School manual. I love taking pictures and it's a good way to keep my mind of everything. I've also been applying for new jobs, I need to make more money. I like the people I work with (except one), like working with the animals, but I just don't make enough to cover future fertility meds/procedures or should I get pregnant, enough for daycare. Not only that it seems that everybody at this place drinks the water and ends up pregnant! Last weekend I had to give a ride to a girl who is 6 months pregnant to a baby shower for a girl who is 7 months pregnant. You can imagine that that was all rainbows and sunshine for me. Here I was shoving fertility meds down my throat and these two are all "oh look at my belly, touch my belly". I was patient, put on a smile, talked babies, and made it through the day. I was pretty proud of myself.

Back in the saddle...

The whole birth control thing didn't pan out too well. The first two months I had a migraine EVERY day. It was enough to make me mental. Then I was getting ready to start a different kind when my doctor took me off of it because I was so miserable. DH and I have been discussing wanting to try again, and this time I left the decision of when to start trying again up to him because it was so emotionally and physically draining on us last time we almost split up. Then Tuesday I unexpectedly AF showed up, and I talked it over with my husband (who was shockingly on board) and called the Dr and I began taking Femara last night. So I'll be taking it days 3-7 and then tracking my ovulation from day 10 on. The sucky part about PCOS is you never know when or if you're going to ovulate. This will be the first time I will be tracking my ovulation so intently to try and pinpoint a day. I've totally slacked off on the whole weight loss thing. Not only am I lazy but everytime I get into a work out routine my back goes out. I am currently getting chiropractic/physical therapy care twice a week and hope to start some aqua therapy soon. I have got to get some of this weight off before March. I'm really really nervous about this cycle, and I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much as I can't stand another let down.