Out of Town..again.

Soo it's kinda been awhile. I didn't know if this blogging thing was for me or not, but once I started getting my feelings out and then went back and read them it made me glad that I could put them into words and then go back and read it. I got back on my Metfor.min right after my last blog and I ended up starting AF on my own and possibly ovulating. I am not taking my BBT or using OPK's yet but I'm just beginning. DH and I were fighting and/or he was too tired to BD on days 10-13 sooo I may have missed it. Anyway I should be starting AF tomorrow and I'm praying I do. I really want to have normal cycles at least. Since I was always on BC and Met when I was diagnosed I never knew if it was one or the other making me regular. I've also lost 8 lbs since starting it too. Yay me! :) My goal is 30. Small steps here, trust me. Since I can't excercise- due to the back problem, 30 is a realistic goal. IF I reach 30 then I will go for 40 and then 50 and then so on. I'm just too lazy, and I looooooooove carbs so much that I can't quite do the IR diet or the Atk.ins. So my goal now is to call my back surgeon and work with him during all my TTC. I also have an OB appt. on monday the 23rd. I hope I get sent to an RE. I have an endocrinologist but never been to an RE. So anyway onto the name of the title. My husband is out of town, again. How am I supposed to TTC with a husband who is gone at least 1-2 days a week? I hate this job he has where it was never mentioned he would be out of town, then it was "occasionally", and now its every goddamn week. And last week I had my BFN and I was heartbroken about it because it was my first month of actual actual trying. And as we're discussing it he says to me "Well if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen." I looked at him and said thats not an option for me. I don't think he get how much I want my own baby. I want to adopt too, I've always wanted to adopt, but I need my own baby too. On a lighter note he is obscessed with looking at houses and once we get a house I think he'll be more into baby stuff. At least I'm hanging onto that hope. Well thats it for now. I'm off to bed- by myself. Ugh.

Maybe One Day

So I sat down and thought for a while and since I have new insurance and all I've decided, without DH's help, that I am just going to go see my OB and ask to be put on BCP. DH and I haven't really had a deep discussion and I didn't feel like I needed one since I vented on here last week, but I feel the best solution is to start from scratch and get myself ovulating with the help of BCP. After 6 months or so I will see how I feel, and see what the Dr. has to say at my appt. and then I'll for sure know what to do. I've had 2 serious boyfriends in the past and it kills me to say that BOTH of them are going to be fathers now. They both have girlfriends they knocked up, which adds salt in my wounds about feeling like I'm "broken". Its like there were soooo many chances with either one of them for me to accidently get pregnant and it just never, ever happened. 2 years with one and 31/2 with the other and nope nothing. And to top it all off their girlfriends, not wives, are giving those two irresponsible idiots what I've always dreamed of. I did the right things that whole time, abided by the law, prayed at night, used my manners, respected my elders, didn't do drugs, or never became an alcholic and I have a hard time understanding why after all they've done wrong, they get what I want most. I know I know someday my time will come, at least I sure hope so, but as I learned as a child- sometimes life isn't fair. You'd think maybe karma would bite these two in the a** at some point because Lord if they didn't give me a hard time when I dated them. So come on karma, show me you exist!

Baby Steps?

So my husband (of 4 days now..lol) and I have discussed some of the basic how's, what's, when's of this babymaking journey and I know now that until we have our own house that there is no way we can have a baby...or can we? I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, PCOS, at the age of 16. It's been hard dealing with the fact that I could NEVER hold my own baby in my arms. I've been on Metformin and BCP to regulate everything but as I've sat here reading blogs for hours today, I think I've freaked myself out. I mean I'm 25 - DH is 30 and we're just starting our lives together but there are people who have been trying for more than 10 years for a baby. 10 YEARS. The thought of that scares me. I was reading a blog about a woman who is 42 and a half and still cannot get pregnant. The emotional and physical strain of that would have me in such a deep depression I, personally, wouldn't know what to do. I'm still learning about the things out there you can do and some I hope I never have to encounter but I am just lost at where to start. When I go have my first yearly, after being a married woman, do I tell them I want to start preparing my body and mind for what is about to come? Or do I take my DH's advice and we wait until we have a house? Will I regret waiting, at our ages isnt it prime time to start trying in case it takes years?

I know personally I cannot get pregnant on my own. I have tried with previous serious boyfriends, which now I am thankful didn't happen. And DH and I tried last year on our own a little so I would have time to have the baby before the wedding. I just know this is going to be so hard for me and I hate that everything in life has to be so hard....

So that takes me into my next problem. I am currently out of "commission" because I have 3 herniated discs. It's been this way for 2 years now. I've had 2 surgeries that havent even begun to help, but in my opinion made things worse. It's forced me to quit my job because I am no longer able to stand or perform simple tasks anymore. I have put off going to the doctor because of no insurance, until now, but also because they want me on meds such as high doses of vicodin, muscle relaxers, and morphine for chronic pain. Everyday I wake up thinking, will this pain ever end? Will I ever be "normal" again? The chronic pain takes away from my ability to have hope that I will ever have a baby. I mean if I can't take care of myself, then how can I care for a baby? Is God telling me I don't deserve a baby, or even a normal life?

Poor me, poor me..right? I'm the first to admit that someone out there probably has it worse, but everyone is entitled to their own poor me poor me moments. And this is mine. I don't know if anyone will actually read this or not but it felt good to get it out there.