I had a great Thanksgiving today with all my family and friends. We didn't go to DH's side of the family because it was the same time as my family's. Kind of a blessing because my SIL just told us a week ago that she is pregnant. I'm really happy for her but I am have to admit I am really envious. Maybe even a little ( or a lot) green with jealousy. I don't begrudge anyone happiness, I just wish I had the same. I've been thinking a lot about myself, trying to find my way. Thinking about who I am and who I want to be. Hoping the marriage I am in is what I need and what the future holds for us.
My first question is, Am I a good person? I believe so. I try to be. But is that enough? Next, Do I not love God enough and am I being punished in some way for it? I know that God doesn't actually punish us for things but sometimes it really feels that way. Third, Is the person I married the right one for me? Don't get me wrong, I completely love my husband, but sometimes he makes it really hard to do so. I feel lost. I feel empty. I sometimes doubt that my husband actually loves me. I know that at one time he loved me so much he became someone that his friends and family never thought they'd see.
He was good. He was amazing, supportive, kind, and funny. He was there for me through some pretty big things and I had never felt that love from someone the way he loved me. I thought it was too good to be true and it turns out that I was right. I didn't want to be right. For once I wanted to be wrong, and have that person that I never had growing up, the person who didn't leave.
All my life I've watched people walk out the door. My dad when I was 4, after he came home and told my mom he didn't love her anymore and if she didn't like it to get out. My best friend when she got a boyfriend, and she never looked back. My mom when she was going out every night with a different guy and didn't care that I was at home needing her. My first love, who just broke up with me because he didn't want a girlfriend (except he had one a week later). He broke my heart into so many pieces that it's never been the same. I just need that one person to stay. Just stay with me and hold me when I cry, support me when I fail, laugh with me when I'm happy. Just stay.
The first thing DH does when times get tough is pack his bag and walk out the door. Everytime it kills me. One time I want him to just be here, be in this marriage and work it out with me. Help me achieve my dream of being a mom. Give me the strength when I can't go on. Things have gotten really bad and I'm not sure where we went wrong and if we can ever get back to where we need to be. I'm not sure if he even wants to. I want to. I want us to find our way back to each other again and find at least a little of the love we once had not too long ago. I married someone that only existed for a little while, but if he existed once maybe he can exist again. Just maybe.
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